fuck love.

see this the part where i tell you that my stomache hurts

i thought it bad before but it has gotten worse

i drove to see you getting more scared by the second

my heart hammering in my chest each time i took a breath in

i put myself out there, everything on the table

for a love i looked and saw with you that ii could be stable

i came to you with my heart laid out, palms up, open  in my hands

i told you everything i could to show you i'm your man

i thought i'd found the one no more would i need a  replacemnt

but you turned me down and walked away like an old sock in a bsaement

i dont know how to deal with this feeling that im feeling when it comes to you

because i thought i'd find a love divine with what  i found  in you

but im sitting here writing with my heart on fire tear drops hiding in my eyes

because i tried to show you my heart my soul my love but it seems that you are blind

i told myslef i'd never go through this or ever feel this way again

but it seems as if i find a lover and love is always soon to end

i told you what i was feeling, gave you nothing but the truth

and somehow nothing i said made a difference to you

you took my hear out of my hands and shoved it my chest

but now its out and in these pieces there is no fixing this

so now i'm on some other shit. "fuck Love" its never done shit for me

cause ever time it comes a knockin it turns around and leaves

so i'm through with showing someone any of my feelings

cause when i think i found it i get played out by the real thing

but i wont front if you want you can change your mind

and i will be yours through and through until the end of time.

hidden [7 november 2011]

ately ive been sinking and i'm on a deep thinking trip

thoughts on the paper it got me on a slow writing tip

strange daydreams haunt my waking consciousness

picking at my brain how do i decipher it

cause i keep wondering why my reminiscence 

are turning into slow regrets

sins in the dark holding close old secrets

of things that brought me where i find myself recent

wondering why i left the grimey for something more decent

how long is this road to my complete success?

two roads in life and i passed the point of choice with little time left

cause i've got money on my brain time to get my finances straight

dreams come true only after you get to the write page

so this story is driving me crazy cause i'm getting fright, stage

easy way out brings stress, danger, i'm held back, rage

but the hard way out leaves me in a cold dark cage

being who i was got me nowhere i opted for a change

get life in step and start out with a new slate

but i had already mistepped and they saw it, late

trying to leave behind the me that you could never find

a person i reinvented and redefined the man behind the name

but it was too late they had taken a picture and i was stuck in the photo, frame

but they have no idea what puts this look on my face

give them all the gospel, put me in my place

cause you think that all this bullshit means a thing, stupid game

i dont do the politics so there is nothing you could say

and everywhere i go i'm attracted to the realness

but what could i expect? i'm nothing if not a realist

and if they keep knocking unaware they'll unlock the lunacy

cause street shit is nothing new to me

this facade is only for your benefit

cause if i showed you what it really is i doubt you could handle it

where would i be what would i do had i chosen a different path?

i keep running into mirrors of my somewhat recent past

keep feet in step cause i dont wanna relapse

ego-tripping took me off point so i havta retrack

investments in these friendships, they got me in need of that

so i hopped up in my spaceship no parachutes if i crash

but on the other side they get not a clue from me

unload this heavy clip and they'll never see the cue from me

but you'll see the wisdom in my words, no matter the youth of me

you dont know who i am so what do you take me for

all these blessings in my way, nothing i'm ungrateful for

hope they're prepared for what i got in store

i havent reached the peak so nothing im stopping for

money dont make me, so just watch what i'll make of it

life still unshapely, play-doh i'm reshaping it

try to write me off there's no way i'm taking it

truth of the matter is they dont know who they're dealing with

and i don't know where i'm going and that's just real shit

all the rules and regulations wont hold me, chains breaking it

so until i find the me i sometimes glimpse in the mirror i will hide

and in the reccesses of subconscious is wherei will reside

because i cant be the me i want to be

and the problems is they couldnt decipher what they would see

so until i'm sure of myself ver few will know "me"

cause they always ask who iam but i could only be me

but i cant help that he isnt what they see

cause my vision doesnt change when i look back at myself

but maybe because we dont see eye to eye i need help

cause i am no fake

but im just an outsider looking in trying to find my place

in this huge reality that we all pretend to master

but i think those who go slow know better than the faster

so i will remain behind the pack and savor the view

so until i know for sure i will hide from you.

Reality [18 october 2011]

it's funny how when we're together your a whole difference person

but when you're not with me i hear a whole different version

so i don't know what to believe and decide who's the false friend

or why i was even drawn to you from the beginning

cause i know you feel different because you talk behind my back

and i cant figure out which part of you is more of an act

but i've seen what you said and it doesnt amuse me

and that you keep me around serves only to confuse me

because if i dont like you you wont be around

but i know different people in different places have a different way to get down

and until i'm sure i'm not gonna knock you

cause for a real good minute i thought that i got you

but i guess i was surely mistaken

cause this chemistry we have is hard to just fake it

and real friends are hard to come by but eventually there'll be a replacement

and all the time we spent and shit we done will just be more time wasted

unlike most i will give you the truth

and when you got the game i'll leave it all up to you

i have no secret identities, there is no telephone booth

so why is it that i'm surrounded by people that do?

and they say real recognize real but i can still see you

so maybe like the old people i need lasik too

and even though i gotta pretty active imagination

my brain is firmly planted on a realistic foundation

situations like this make me want to ride solo

cause you know there's no drama when you ride dolo

i'd swear the world was full of Gemini's cause they're so two-faced

and by all these mask wearing liars i feel completely encased

such liars, actors and fakers, stealers and thieves nothing but takers

i feel like i need 3d glasses cause shit just keep getting more real

and its too bad honesty isnt silver or something you can feel

cause i'd be rich, cause i can olny accept c.o.d.

and for those that dont know thats cash on delivery.

honesty needs a market it's high in demand

it'd be hot product on the block passin secretly from hand to hand

it seems truth can only be found on the black market

but that simply dyslexic, seriously retarded

the economy for real is in a deppression

and we all got empty pockets and we cant blame the reccession

its funny how something so basic is such a hot comodity

no supply but a real high demand, such an oddity

you can put away the dry ice and trick mirrors that change what you see

you dont need make up or fake wigs or even smoke screens

i dont need a stage with bright lights and sounds you dont have to give me an act

cause i'm like the encyclopedia all you get from me is facts

so i got all these green screens and illusions surruonding me

but someone please show me the exit i need to get in touch with reality.

magnetism [13 september 2011]

You don't know why but he's never invisible

In a room full of enemies he still feels invincible

Enter a room and suddenly its quiet all eyes on he

There's this thing about him that the naked eye can't see

No words can describe what this could be

He is a Predator grazing among prey

She feels his eyes and she suddenly turns his way

The intensity she see's makes her drop his gaze

But she cant resist there is no staying away

Alpha among Omegas he is a born leader

And out of any atheist he can make a believer

They can see he's a champ a winner the playmaker

But tonight he's on a mission to find his babymaker

SHE has caught his eye the way she glows from across the room

There's just  something about the way she moves

They get close and all they hear is silence each wondering what the other will do

Somehow all he can say is "I've been looking for you"

And she blinks, smiles, and whispers, "me too"

They chill, dance, and talk the night away, in there own world

She says, "you can be my Sunshine and light up my days"

"You can be my Starlight because even when i shine you'll shine anyway"

the chemistry they could never forget it

& you wont forget him because he's just so magnetic.

tired [22 may 2011]

Forget it. Cause its not gonna happen. I am firmly chained into the friendship space. This shit does hurt man. I hate feeling like this. Every time I want someone she leaves me or I get friended. & the ones that do like me or either ugly. Too far away or just too fucking stupid, immature or just not worth the time. Man I told myself i'd never cry over another female after the last two & here I go again. Why the fuck does this keep happening to me? I play the bad guy I havta change. I play the good guy im only a friend. Where the fuck do I stand??? Im tired of being patient. Im tired of putting my feelings on hold for everyone else. Im tired of wanting but not deserving of things that should be mine. Im tired of getting hurt. Im tired of being jealous. Im tired of being the 5th wheel. Im tired of empty promises & lopsided smiles. Im tired being slapped in the face & patted on the head in the same motion. Im tired of life not working out. Im tired of being pushed to the side for the "better" guy & getting ran back to when shit wont work. Im tired of being in the friend seat never in the boyfriends throne. But most of all im tired of being alone.

honestly [22 may 2011]

honestly sometimes i wish i was rich. then i could make all our dreams come true & i could be everywhere with you.

life stress free living above the problems, pain, & anguish & agitation, beyond the reach of stressing aggrivation.

to avoid a lifetime trying to find my better half, souls in halves made whole an invitation to fulfillment i'll share my soul.

fractured hearts mended, sewn, taped, & glued back into a working organ, like a boxer in the ring i know your in my corner.

honestly im grateful beyond measure, but two heads are better than one so help me get better.

i play games  like i wrote the book followin the plays down to the letter

cause honestly sometimes im too intelligent for myself, and with all my brains i still end up hurting myself.

so im reaching out to you, help me turn me down & whenever we fall together we'll stand up off the ground.

honestly im suprised by all your fire, and inspired by your heart, i dont know how i saw it but i sensed a spark

though my feelings arent strong, somehow i know its worth it cause already ive wasted time & made no money, worthless

honestly its ridiculous for me to promise that i wont hurt you, cause thats unrealistic, & i dont wont to regret cause ive already missed shit

but if you give me patience, i promise not to leave you faithless & i promise not to be blameless, for i know im not shameless

honestly i gotta tell you that im something of a flirt, wasting time with worhtless females knowing me & her would never work

cause she's just too stupid and in games im just so fluent & i leave her feeling hurt & looking foolish

honestly sometimes i dont really give a fuck cause girls come & go & im usually on one

replacement standing in the wings waitin for her chance to replace a lost one

wish i had hindsight, not easily to give up the attention, to take shit back & git my mind right

and i vow to return all the courage i can muster, never to replace you with another

& if i fail to show you who i real am, all you have to do is ask, cause sometimes the world is like a weight upon my chest

& i shutdown cause my regrets & failures are always a small death even if i tried my best

honestly sometimes i give up on the better shit & whats expected of me, i cant fulfill your dreams, always tryna get whatever they can get from me.

left a lotta shit behind & on the way we lost respect for me & few people know the truth & seen the best of me

honestly sometimes i feel like im on the outside looking in & to expalin my self coherently i dont know where to begin

i guess what im trying to say is give us time & lets see where it goes cause sometimes i dont see myself & what others see in me cause im scared of who i am & who i could have & might be & i dont know why they still believe in me

so please just share your love, i dont give mine easily for someone broke me down & defeated me

i hide who i am for fear of pain & execution, all these wrongs in my life fear of retribution

though i fear no man my audacity is the only way i scare myself, from heartbreaks and deprssion i try to spare myself 

honestly i hope you never lose faith in me, cause i would hate to see the day you turn to replacin me

its hard to give up myself freely so i'll give you what i can, cause it took a lot to tell you this honestly from a man.

makin it [17 march 2011]

i lay in her arms and caress her soft skin no telling where this night might end

but there's no denying im glad she's here with me

because honestly i think ive found somewhere i should be

someone i dont just want, something tells me she needs me

so i keep her close beside me and she just wants to pick my brain and dive deep inside me

she likes where we are and says she's in my corner she's down for the long road

but this night isnt about thought its about what we feel

and so far what's here is so very real

im ready for the next thing and wonderin how far we can take it

cause if we play this right aint nothin gonna stop the way we'll be makin it.

[i feel as tho this aint done yet so dont judge me lol.]

her... [24 January 2011]

im slowly losing touch because i'm torn between the one i lost & the one i want

dreaming of days on the beach a sexy couple walking in the sun

its funny to me because she doesnt know how insane she drives me

i lay awake at night & wonder how it would be to go to sleep every nite with her beside me

she knows just how to kiss touch feel & caress

my heart hammers in my chest then slows down like cardiac arrest

she's got my heart in chains, almost like loves incarceration

the echoes of her phantom love reverberate around my heart

her whispers bounce around my brain

she's sending me schizo because i hear her voice in my head

all i want is to take her down & make her shake & scream

if she never knew love or pleasure i know i could make her believe

everything in order not one iota out of spot

i dont see many like her & i know they envy the heart she's got

no im not in love but maybe its just a matter of time

trade out all these nickels for this one dime

i'd be her sunshine & she'd be my star

because no matter where i go i can feel her shine from afar

& i know there is only one place she should be

but my only downfall is that it isnt me she sees 

because by my own foolishness i let my compulsiveness lead me astray

no the love i could have had has faded away

so in this whole fiasco somehow you remain blameless

because i know this stems from my own lack of patience

so all this time in was simply wasted

because i cant keep my mind from flying off on a spaceship

when i havent even gotten done with this plan yet

so in those moments of my forethoughts absence

my focus on this stage has become absent

leaving me backward

git 'em [13 Jan 2011]

i think its bout that time cause these ppl startin to really irk me, with they silly foolish words they seek to bleed & hurt me, its so little that they know about me, and ima keep 'em thinkin, cause behind closed doors my dreams & plans im completin, cause while they dreamin i be schemin & plannin on the low, and when i hit the start switch above the atmosphere i'll go, dont they know they just give me gas to ignite 'em on site, i keep the game close & hold my cards tight, cause im blessed to see the day that these haters wanna watch me, but its funny cause im real so these clowns could never knock me, and i'm ready for whatever so they could never stop me & i give 'em all hell cause they could never top me. [git 'em.]

Lost Cause

I know that I said it wouldn't be any more chances or changes of heart.

You hurt me bad, so I let you go and went on my seperate way. The only way I thought i'd get rid of all the pain. But I can't get you outta my head. And when I lie here lonely and cold its you I want in my bed. Visions of you invade my waking dreams. With empty arms I hold you here with me. All I think about is you and what we did when we were together, and making more memories. You said you'd always be there, that you'd never forget me. But I went back to where I thought you'd be, but you had already up and left me. You invade my dreams and when I wake it makes my heart ache. Because there is something I've forgotten and it's a feeling I just can't shake, steps backwards that I just can't retake. Statements, words ejected, feelings hidden and emotions rejected. Things said that you or I never expected, once spoken you can't reset them. I thought your love wasn't worth it, because when I did what you wanted I still didn't deserve it. You refused to understand that true love is imperfect, no time left to rework it. Bringing all these hidden treasures to the surface, but they hold no value anymore, effectively worthless. I thought to come back and make amends as if all that went before never existed, a figment, something to pretend. Give us a fresh start, a blank slate, unwritten story on a fresh white page. But you won't be the pen to my ink, you won't cross this divide you've severed your link. So it is at the precipe that I stand, at the unsung brink. So though I stand here different from who and what I was before, of you and I there is no more. No final match we have come to the end of the war. Uneven is the field but squared is the score. So its with little faith that I cling to something too far gone. I tried to keep my hands on a love so flawed.  Funny how I finally realized that I hold dear a lost cause.